IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT BUT MINE [v.3]

[--MONSTER MESSENGER]

You guys miss me?! I know I would have. But fear not my hungry little gossip babies, I’m here to feed your desire for juicy gossip. Just because I haven’t made much noise lately doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching you guys fuck your lives up, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, isn’t it? And you guys have provided me with plenty to bash about!

--IN BABY NEWS

[/b] and his girlfriend Grace Moselle for the wonderful news that they’re expecting beautiful Amerxican (American x Mexican) babies. Though, my sources say that instead of it being a romantic, cute moment, Grace simply screamed it out in the middle of the Addison Hospital lobby as Blaise tried to check himself out. I bet he wouldn’t have done that if she had just told him sooner, that girl’s got a shit load of issues. Oh well, but in her defense I guess, Blaise was busy getting stabbed. I hope you learned your lesson, Grace. Ex-boyfriends that shoot their dads and dump you right after are a little crazy.

Apparently ‘baby’ fever has hit Addison with a vengeance! Though blond hottie Selena Landon is no longer with equally blond hottie Gabriel Werth, it seems she’s moved onto bigger and better things. And by better I mean an B-list celebrity. Where does she find all these people?! All that aside, my hospital confidential has told me that Selena’s gotten herself all kinds of knocked up too, but I can imagine her boyfriend Justin Hyde is feeling a little concerned. The news that the pair is expecting twins came shortly after she was raped. I guess we’ll just find out later if the kids are his or not! The suspense is killing me, get those babies outta there already, I wanna know, know, know![/ul]

--IN LOVER NEWS

[/b] was seen getting too close to comfort with manwhores Lucian Garner and Tristan Miller… I hope she knows a great STD analyst, that way she can be tested for everything under the sun once this is all over. Still, can’t say I’ll look at the German angel the same way, it’s like seeing your grandmother naked accidentally, and it’s just never the same after seeing all that.

In other sleazy, sex news, newcomer Ben King and not-so-new-concept slut Brooklyn Croft were reported having some close, naked time in the dirty Addison lake. Ok, kids. Let’s talk about this. SEX IN THE LAKE? Seriously, don’t you crazy children know that dip-chewin’ hicks spit their excess tobacco in there? Or the gasoline fumes from the boats on the lake, and don’t get me started on the fact that fish have sex in that water too. I’ve also heard that water is not a very good lubricant, was Brookie able to even walk the next day? Regardless, if you two wake up with a second arm, a vagina where it should be, or a penis on your forehead, then let the deformities be a lesson to ye -do not have sex in the gross-nasty waters of Addison lake. It’s wrong on more levels than one.

Why is it that the local drunks always get the pretty girls? Addison’s own alcoholic cutie, Everett Carter was seen impressing a clearly hungover Salem Tansen at the local grocery store as the two chitty-chit-chatted over lactose free ice cream…weird much? Anyway, later someone said that he had invited her over to his apartment, and much to my dismay, the little girl agreed. So help me god if she gets pregnant…does a child really need an alcoholic father and a bible beaten mother? It’s bad enough that an over protective Mexican and naïve American are having babies. Anywhore, Salem agreed…I guess we’ll find out what happened in a couple weeks, won’t we?

Ok, on a sad note, it seems that after buying a big house for the two of them to live in, everyone’s favorite potential gay couple of Oliver Bellamy and Samson Ward have called it off before the closet door even opened. I was honestly excited to watch this one grow, but I guess Sam had other ideas, as he is no longer anywhere near town. Did the idea of commitment and a big ass house with lots of rooms to fuck in scare him away? I don’t know, but I guess now poor little Ollie is stuck sulking around in his house…until Addie Hill catches wind of the devastating breakup and moves in on him like the sex shark she is.[/ul]

--IN FRIEND NEWS

[/b] is back in town trying to lie under the radars. But what I don’t think she read in the brochure was that three people that she fucked over when she decided to play with the bottle the night before her rides have all flocked together in one place. Needless to say, a little birdie tells me that the 32 year olds face was absolutely priceless when her old coach Carson Valmonte waltzed up out of the darkness to argue with her over nothing. Poor girl, all she wants is a little sanctuary. Shoulda just stayed in whatever state you were in before, darling.

Odd, the other day I saw a young Mexican boy working at Crossfire and wondered why Blaise had seemingly shrunk and gotten a few scars on his face. Upon further inquiry, someone told me that little Mr. Ignacio Porfirio is rumored to be the half brother of Blaise Garcia. Now, like everyone else, I thought that his only real sibling had already been sliced and diced by the drug cartels. Clearly the gods and goddesses of gossip love to prove me (and you) wrong. As far as I can tell, since he’s still alive, Blaise doesn’t know. I wonder what’s gonna happen when the temper of the older, taller Mexican is ignited. It’ll be like world war three…Mexico style. With lots of alcohol, cursing, and punching…and probably a little bit of drug doing. At least, I hope.

From the ever-so reliable word of mouth of my Crossfire Farms correspondent, I was told that a young man named Dekker Morrison was seen helping a woman by the name of Dessiree Pearson out of the outdoor arena after her crazy as shit mare felt the need to kick her. I’m told she had a hard time keeping her hands to herself…or was it having a hard time keeping the sex jokes to a minimum? Whatever it was, I was told they were cute together, and god damn it you two, don’t you dare let me down, I expect to be bitching and gossiping about you two in the lovers section soon, don’t make me beg, because I will beg if it comes down to it.

I’d put this in ‘other’ new, but I think it’s funnier in ‘friend’ new. But apparently Addison has it’s very own vampire! Anastasia Fox has been making bloody, creepy advances on everyone that catches her beautiful little fancy, including the evil, broody Jamie Colburn. If it were anyone else that she was currently hunting, I’d put my money on Ana, but I guess Mr. Colburn can pretty much hold his own, after all, his skills were quite proven when he won an argument (over what I’m not quite sure) with a socially deprived little girl now possibly turned slut (he’s so talented!). Ana, please don’t eat Jamie, he’s far too nice to look at…or…take a picture before you eat him. That way we all still have something left of him.

I guess Ben King made it out of Lake Addison a-ok, with only a little bit of radioactive mutations to sport as ‘love scars’ or whatever, because he was seen intruding the bubble of beyond professional, borderline boring, Portia Wolfe. The confusion on her face was rather laughable as he ordered her up a Pornstar without even asking who she was or what she wanted to drink. Honestly, that is the best way friends are made. I hope he brings her out of her little box, because otherwise…she’s boring, and she’s far too pretty to be boring.[/ul]

--IN OTHER NEWS

[/b] has unfortunately caught the attention of the Addison High School janitor, Winston Lovett. This would not be nearly as funny if he did not have a few pedophile charges against him, or if he wasn’t caught calling her the ‘crème de la crème’ of all the girls at the high school. Dani, all I can say my dear, is…KARMA. And, another thing….CAN I HAVE YO NUMBAH?

A strange character has moved into town by the name of Kimiko Li, or as she’d rather be called, ‘Mistress’ Kimiko. Where did all of these sex deviants and sluts come from? Since when did Addison have a sign on the front of the town that said ‘all sluts welcome! Free stripping poles handed out on every corner on the third Wednesday of every month’? Anyway, the Mistress as seen dining with the infamous first slut, Addie Hill. That girl just seems to be everywhere, doesn’t she? At least we know she was leaving poor Ollie alone at that time, I’m sure the boy needs a little bit of quiet time.[/ul]


That's all for now you hungry little gossipmongers! Until next time, and remember, someone's always watching.

KEEPIN' IT REAL,
MONSTER MESSENGER

PS: got some interesting gossip that you just simply can't keep to yourself?! Then drop me a line and I'll more than likely be talking about you next issue.[/blockquote][/blockquote][/size][/justify]